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[25 Nov 2009|10:42am] |
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spending november in bed doing homework is about as close as i am going to get to my hibernation dream life, i guess.
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[11 Nov 2009|01:30am] |
i need this right now:
WED NOV 11
no school, veterans day
hang out with will all day
attempt to get tickets for the hockey game
THURS NOV 12
finish pantagruel (english class)
psych class #1 and #2
FRI NOV 13
babysit 12-?
hockey game
discussion board for research & design class
( more things to make my head explode )
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[04 Nov 2009|12:25am] |
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my real true live voice has been captured by the wayward demands of academia. contorted, my real true live voice is lagged, troubled with thoughts of commas and semi-colons, complete clauses and "am i making sense?" my real true live voice is most happy when it is merely catapulted from the center of my being into existence. academia makes me muddy, like i cannot have a thought, feeling or instinct without first checking the research. living in a theoretical fog.
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[28 Oct 2009|12:19am] |
on the subject of girlfriends: begun in a journal two years ago, re-read recently, mulled over while stuck in traffic on the highway two weeks ago, scribbled by my free hand frantically during the stops of stop and go, retrieved from the depths of my bag this afternoon
IDOLIZING IDLE EYES
REPEATING LIES
REMINISCING OLD TIMES
REPEATING, REPEATING LIES
HAPPINESS MASKING
DEFEATED SURPRISE
SURMISE, DESCRIBE
IMPLICATE MY WISE
HOW IT MAKES YOU CRY
DRY THOSE TEARS
WITH ALL YOUR TRIES
TO MAKE TRUE LIES
BUT OLD TIES
DO NOT TRUE FRIENDSHIP BIND
QUEEN OF THE HIVE
YOU PERCEIVE
AND I SURVIVE, SURVIVE, SURVIVE
BUT,
DEAR MY NEW OLD FRIENDS,
ARE YOU BLIND?
MERELY SPEAKING, FOREVER COMPETING
WITH SOMEONE YOU'VE CONTRIVED
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[21 Oct 2009|04:17pm] |
the spider bites i got
sleeping on my side of your bed
the spider bites i itch
sitting on your side of my bed
swell and exacerbate my confusion
where do i belong
and do you belong here
and what is this poison
that is making me itch
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[21 Oct 2009|03:06pm] |
i'm not sure i'm happy.
but is happy the thing we are all supposed to be?
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[14 Oct 2009|09:16pm] |
"what might have been lost, don't bother me"
a million universes, a hundred thousand realities is all that i think about.
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[09 Oct 2009|10:34pm] |
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it is friday night. i am sitting in will's bed listening to bitte orca. we are eating jumbo corn. for the moment, we are pretty happy. pause and relish that.
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[08 Oct 2009|02:13pm] |
to calzones, to pizzas
to 3am macaroni and cheeses
to being one of many
in crowded bars
in the sway of melody
to being one of the few
to the things that made us grow
apart
or together
to the things that whittled
or melded
to the things that brought us here
to five and a half hours of class
followed by five and a half beers
and then five and a half hours of sleep
to walking home in your pajamas
at noon
on a weekday
to cat naps
and snooze buttons
and dear alarm clock,
i've treated you badly
to 7-11 and snack food
and coffee
and energy drinks
to my half dazed, half gaze
over text books
and at computer screens
to inconsequentiality
to beer
to worrying about being old
but knowing we're not old just yet
to invincibility
and immortality
to backing down south st. at 35mph
just before midnight
on a wednesday
to cab drivers
and public transportation
and your piece of shit car
to dreaming
to anything is possible
to hoping we always feel that way
to the recognition that we might not
to the disappearing horizon
to the things we remember
and the things we forget
and the things we forget to remember
and remember to forget
to the looming horizon
to the things we will do
and won't do
and think we won't do
but will
and think we will do
but won't
to quiet bike rides home
three miles from campus
to my own basement apartment
where i battle spiders
and wage war against forced hot water
and ever shrinking closets
reminiscent of bike rides
up and down the driveway
and then around the block
to dinner
and family
and a shower
and bed time
and routine
many, many years ago
to the realization that we have arrived
finally and abruptly
upon the beginning of the end
to knowing we'll never be
quite right here again
but here we are, anyway
it is either the end
or the beginning of everything else
or nothing at all
these are either the best years
or they have passed us
or they still are yet to come
and lastly, friends
to whatever it is we do with that.
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[06 Oct 2009|10:26am] |
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well, i am sad, but no tears fall from my face. drip-like i drip-drop from day to dreary day. from the black tar pit of "couldn't care less," i call to you, shout to you, try to give you a rain check - you can't count on me to fix it today, or move or say a thing at all, but tomorrow i think i might be able to move and say things again, tomorrow i hope i can fix it. but today, today i am brim-filled with nasty and vile. cool and even, words i mean leave my mouth in a way i don't mean them. but, i can't bring myself to fix it. i move an inch and reach a wall. i flail and beat my arms against the wall. but the wall does not budge, and i am tired and my arms hurt, and i have not fixed anything, and i am so tired. i watch you walk away, but i don't feel anything, i sink deeper into nothing. hello, nothing. i can not be touched, or moved, or bring myself to smile. eyelids won't stay open. how can i fix anything when it's so alluring to check something off my to do list and then battle my busy mind into the depths of an empty sleep. these are not my hands. this is not my life, i scream. but no one hears me because the words never have enough energy to turn into anything but a whimper.
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