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April 18th, 2012
12:32 pm
most of the time having no friends, spending all of my time with rook and pete is perfect. the stress of plans and what to wear and how to get there and who will be there and everything else i used to worry about is null and void, because i made it that way. because i chose not to participate. i chose to say no every time you asked me to do something, until i breathed a sigh of relief when my phone quieted and you finally stopped trying. i feel in control of the choices of made, the place i've ended up and the understanding between myself and all my friends.
when the weather gets nicer things get a little out of control. the sun is up and we all get restless to come out and play. and half of it is that my heart turns a little bit, and seeks a little more, and the other half is that you all get this urge to Do Something together and make events and take pictures and have parties and come out from the place where you hibernate when i am comfortable.
i don't even like you. it's really fucked up that you stopped invited me to things because your roommate is dating the ex who i lived with for two years and because the ex who abused me still hangs out and doesn't like when i am around. no body likes when i am around. it is uncomfortable that i will call you out on how fucked up all of that / this / everything is. i don't fit. i don't fit anywhere, because i won't pretend, and i won't say sorry. sorry that it makes your roommate uncomfortable because i almost married her boyfriend 4 years ago. sorry it makes your friend uncomfortable that i exist because he and i both remember the bruises and the broken glass and the screaming and the police and the mess we left behind 2 years ago. sorry i won't smile and pretend it never happened or laugh it off because we were young and drunk and stupid.
fuck your stupid bbqs and dinner parties and the audacity of you to have public events on facebook and invite everybody except me. fuck you. I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU but i hate being left out. and i hate that i know that my happiness now is the tiniest bit conditional on your latency. your growing apart. you guys not hanging out anymore and pretending like i don't exist or none of that ever happened. i am still so angry. i am angrier today then i was last year, because you've all moved on. untouched. you quickly bandaged the tear in the fabric where i was and it basically never happened. your happy little life in tact. i hate you. i want to remind you that even if you have pretended so hard that none of it happened, buried it so deep, that in your current reality none of it ever did happen - i remember the past that built this present. i remember being stepped on so you could get here, and i can not forget. unlike you, who push it aside and laugh and move on and forget then and forget it and forget me - that ugly past is mine and it lives inside of me forever. and unlike you, i can never forget. and i hate you and i hate you and i hate you. and i hate you for leaving me out when i needed you the most and for disappearing so easily when i pushed you away.
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April 1st, 2012
08:23 pm
love of my life. even when things are bad these days, they aren't so very bad.
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06:49 pm
have been having an emotional freak out / feel gross / hate myself kind of weekend. idk why, these things just kind of creep up out of nowhere, right?
i still blame them on you. i still blame every bad feeling i ever have on you. i don't know if that's healthy, but it's easy.
 
dyed my hair, feel back to my old self a little. not the best photo, but you get the idea.
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March 31st, 2012
12:07 pm
last night i picked up pete at 10 and we stayed up long enough to watch the megamillions drawing and then went to bed. pete woke up to gun shots and someone yelling "i'm gonna kill you mother fucker" from the house down the street and called the cops. so fucking strange / scary.
still sick. more sick, actually. antibiotics didn't help at all. since i switched jobs, there's a two month lapse in my health insurance that starts today. it seems like every few months there's a lapse in my health insurance. it seems like every month i can't make all my bills, certainly never on time any way. endless shopping ban. endlessly stressed out.
sometimes i think switching jobs was the worst thing i ever did. this year was going so well, so smoothly, so happily. i break down in tears almost every day when i finally leave school, come home and crawl under the covers and cry myself into a cat nap. i think some of it is fever-induced. but some of it is just.. feeling powerless. feeling upset at cleaning up somebody else's mess. feeling upset that every day is such a struggle. every thing, every day is such a struggle.
the kids are hard. like spit in my face, gave me a black eye, scratching, biting 5 and 6 year olds. not just one, a handful of them. and stepping into this in march, when this is what has been going on since september - progress is so slow. but, it's not that really. despite how stressful and exhausting dealing with that is, i love that, i love figuring out ways to help those kids. it's mostly just the resentment from people who are supposed to be on my side, the lack of aide i get from some of the people who are supposed to help me, how much time is taken away from my own planning time to pick up messes that aren't supposed to be my sole responsibility. spending so much time planning and talking and having control over every little minute detail that does make a difference, only to have it undone and everything regressed as soon as i leave. it's frustrating. it's really hard.
the plus is that i know i'm a great teacher. i watch other people marvel at how patient and understanding i am. i watch people who used to brace themselves walking into our room the first week i was there (because who could even guess what kind of fit of rage climate they'd be entering into) relax and ease into a smile when they walk by now. i know i've changed all the things i have control over - classroom layout, classroom routine, for the best, and i can see the positive effect those changes have made. it's just. it's just easy to forget when the hard times in school are so impossibly hard. when i have to sometimes leave handling these impossibly hard situations to people i can't / don't trust, and who honestly, i think, want to see me fail. want to prove that things were fine before i came, and i am wrong for changing anything. i don't care. i am a good teacher, and i get children, and i am open and kind, and more than that i know who i am as an educator and refuse to compromise who i am or what i believe in just to get along.
it's saturday at noon and i am already stressed at how close monday morning is. haha, but i am surviving, and probably growing, or whatever.
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March 25th, 2012
09:54 am
turns out the nasty (nastiest) cough i've had for 2 weeks is bronchitis. sat at the walk in clinic for 3 hours yesterday, feeling like crap, which sucked, but i got some good meds out of it. which is good, because friday i lose my health insurance until whenever bps gets around to filing my paperwork and giving me new health insurance.
we were supposed to go hiking in the fells with pete's friends from work yesterday, but since we weren't planning on being at the doctors until 2, we had to cancel. we've been going to the fells a lot lately. rook's so psyched to be off leash for 3 or 4 miles in the woods. it's the best time. instead we met up with his friends for beers and food in davis, which was fun, even though i felt miserable. came home and shared some hydrocodone cough syrup and slept the most peacefully i've slept in weeks. i love the weekend and wish it was the weekend every day.
parent-teacher conferences are next week. my first two are 6:45 and 7:15am on monday. not at all excited, just want to get them over with. things are going better, we have a daily routine now, and i actually feel like there is teaching happening, not just behavior management and hanging on for dear life until the end of every day. still getting spit at and hit in the face at least once a day, but also having reading groups and keeping on pace with the math curriculum and assessments. it's nice, because this is probably the worst situation i could have walked in to, and i survived and it's good to be reassured that i have a really strong foundation as a teacher and maybe my degree and 5 years of school was worth it, in some strange way.
so everythings great. and if i could just get my hands on more (enough) money, i'm pretty sure they'd be perfect.
( photos )
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March 10th, 2012
04:56 pm
i hate my new job the most, it is so stressful. it's nice to stop and pause this weekend and have time to actually devise a plan of attack. i'm thinking this time next month i will love my k's the most and be the happiest, but waiting for that is the worst. luckily the principal has been really, really (the most ever) supportive. i am beginning to think i will live through this. also, probably when i have my first paycheck in hand, the whole thing will seem a little sweeter.
took rook for a walk in the fells today. was really nice, he was so psyched. i can't wait for warmer weather i am so tired of coats and boots and shit cluttering up the apartment.
some company bought our building from our landlord. we still don't know what the deal is for september. we were totally expecting to have to move, but now it seems like we might not? i'm super attached to our apartment, but really we need a yard. also i hate our neighbors (like everyone of them, the whole street, not just the people upstairs).
i miss february vacation. having all of the time in the world to lay around / work out / internet and absolutely nothing to worry about was the best. i wish i knew how to make that happen forever.
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February 27th, 2012
05:37 pm
i want to write about it most when i walk into the bathroom. when it has been sunny all day, and we have been out and we have done things. upon returning home, the sun is setting, and the house is darkening, so we put on the lights and maybe some music, and i get up to pee. in this darkening, sunset home, the bathroom door is shut. behind the shut bathroom door, the last remnants of sunlight are flooding the corners of the bath tub and the cold tile floor. i close the door behind me and sit, feeling like i have stepped into a tiny worm hole, and have captured just a few extra moments of daylight. and it is february, two years later, but it could be june in this bathroom, or april, or the may that you were missing, and i traced your imagined ghost with my fingers over maps, followed you through street views.
i close my eyes in my secret sunlight, and want to write it the most. i get stuck on some mantra, some truth i now know about then, but i never touch paper to pen. i am afraid to remember it wrong, to permanently put it all down somewhere easy to return to, and recite the words to myself again and again until the callous is all that remains and the memory of the wearing down, the rub, the work has gone. i am worried that one day, that transportive bathroom light, or the power of those few songs or scents will disappear or re-associate. that i will just be here forever, unable to travel back, even if only for a moment in my mind.
--
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February 23rd, 2012
11:58 am
i am pretty sure almost 25 in 2012 is the absolute worst, the pits, the pit of despair, and so forth and so on etc.
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February 19th, 2012
10:57 am
i still love pop punk more than most things.
i teach kindergarten starting next wednesday.
i've started to think of myself as the kindest most patient and full of love person in the world and things are looking up / unfolding / the sun is out / it is almost spring and i don't know if these things were actually related, but for me now they are. so i like myself and it's nice out and i really do believe that things have only ever been much worse.
i think of all the time i spent feeling bad, and it makes the fun i had and the nights we spent a lot harder to miss. good riddance, fuck off forever, don't call me, don't write, etc.
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February 15th, 2012
06:21 am
wishlist right now
+my ears pierced
+my tattoo finished
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February 10th, 2012
06:04 am
i had a job interview for a mediocrey, short-term second job on wednesday, that went really, really well and will probably lead to full time summer employment.
and this afternoon i have a job interview at a boston school for the rest of this school year and then next school year until december.
i am actually shrieking, giggling, smiling, feeling ok on a regular basis. well, for like 3 days. which, let's get real, is a huge accomplishment for me right now. everything would be perfect, but anyone who says money doesn't buy happiness doesn't have student loan companies blowing up their phone / email / mail box with threats and requests for money EVERY SINGLE DAY.
my fingers are crossed for today.
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January 31st, 2012
06:00 am
( ... )
some days are much harder to get through than others. some weeks.
so close to all the things i want, spend all my days so close to the things i want, with nothing more than hope and the memory of how happy having those things made me to run on.
run run run. nothing more than a memory to run on.
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January 27th, 2012
09:18 pm
   
just got a library card this week. basically have no friends and no plans all weekend, but lots of things to read. sitting on my couch thinking about best teaching practices, eating cereal for dinner and listening music. i don't even know, sometimes i feel like i must have come here from another planet and marvel at how easily everyone else relates to one another.
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January 20th, 2012
03:02 pm
lol the childhood memories blog i dedicated to my sister (which she doesn't even follow because she's an unappreciative brat i guess) is blowing up.
426 notes in 4 days on pictures of pogs hahaha. http://thingsfromourchildhood.tumblr.com/
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January 8th, 2012
05:55 pm
( ... )
my favorite part of this weekend.
not having money is slowly killing me. winter is the worst, and spending $390 to cover HALF of our oil refill is the biggest bummer of all time ever, i just want to buy all the cute sweaters and pay off my credit cards and not have to eat the food we have in the house even when it's not exactly what i feel like eating.
life is pretty good. i am counting down the days until february vacation, wondering what i am going to do between june and september for money, dreaming of a full time teaching position for next september, hanging out at dog parks, crocheting a lot of scarves, bundling up and burrowing into our couch and wasting a lot of time.
also, go buy my clothes
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